I have finally found my zen.

Part 1 of finding my zen. Or I think. 

It took about an extra nine pounds and excessively visiting my local Coffee Bean (which I am recently a proud regular) to recognize what in the hell "zen" even looked, felt, tasted like, who knew. But I discovered it. I think.

Regardless, what I do think I found is remembering how to commit again. To my ideas, my fears, my heart, my thoughts, my wildest dreams, and to most importantly myself. Which is the path I have always tried to navigate to. I think for about the last 6 months, I was steering myself towards too many paths and maybe forgetting which one made me feel enlightened. Now like you all predicted I would say, I am not there yet and won't ever be. But the improvement is something I am going to brag about, as you all should as well. 

Approaching 2017 I didn't think I was ready. 2016 was full of many firsts, a bit of forgiving, and a whole lot of fun. But I'm here and as of about an hour ago, I am back on my forever path. 

"She's at peace and yet somehow on fire." 

2016 stole my name.

Thanks to Amazon and even more so outdated fads, I am now not only commanded to do ridiculous things by dance moms, but every indolent person in the world that can’t move 3 feet to turn off a light switch. To increase this situation, I’m constantly reminded thanks to my first world problem snap chatters, that I need to change my name and finally fall off the earth. See what 23 and a half years of a comedy/horror lifestyle/career can do to you?

This Alexa can’t be commanded to do anything, by anyone, ever. 

Can’t be tamed.

Won’t, not interested, and honestly impossible. 

I think an accurate description of myself would be “misunderstood miss independent.” No matter the act I put on to my fellow social media friends, I actually have to try to keep this ego alive. Somedays I want to depend on someone. Which genuinely would relieve my severe anxiety and potentially become a life changing event for this unique fairytale. But everyday I crave someone to tell me I am completely crazy and ridiculously confusing. I think that if you aren’t then are you actually alive? Mostly I just want to be miss. Miss Alexa, maybe missed, but definitely never ever a Mrs. I am tragically cursed with bad vibes about associating myself with a forever title, so forever I will stay Alexa Moffett. Even if Chuck Bass offered me a world of diamonds, I would remain just me. Because I will buy myself my own diamonds. Which brings me to my next life expectation.

“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.” 

My life quote. 

Guys, it is even the headline of my Tinder profile. Which I wonder why I still continue to check when I am nowhere near committed to having a friend boy. That starts and results in a terribly awful coffee date. Most likely at a coffee shop that I hate, where we small talk to the point of me realistically making up lies so he wants to leave and forget my name. Not like this has ever happened. But back to the real fact of this rant. My quote has been very hard for me to explain to any curious peer that questions my sanity. It has always reminded me that I will have success no matter which path I stumble upon. Success is something I deeply admire. So no matter the obstacles, my choices will decide my success as I learn and always risk at a chance at becoming "successful." 

What is success? I think this feeling is my most real feeling. It’s very hard for me to relate to content people. My heart definitely can appreciate an accomplishment where I feel uplifted but my brain is constantly reminding me that life is too short to stop. To stop growing. Which sounds so lame, especially as I’m writing this trying to inspire you all to continue to persevere. But that’s exactly the truth. Life won’t stop, there is actually not a real pause button. There is a snooze. But the more you snooze the more you don’t necessarily lose, but you don’t gain anything besides the feeling of content. Which I will forever commit to committing content is a waste.

In the meantime, I will try to keep this zen. I'm sure by morning I will complain about my 8:00am workout, lack of willpower to not bake/eat 4 trays of vegan cookies, and certainly about the amount of emails I have procrastinated for potentially years. But that doesn't matter because I won't be snoozing any longer.

Green life. Life is green.

Alexa's past 4 months in one post. 

*How I actually know that life is green again is that I'm actually posting this blog. I've been writing 2 words and erasing 2 paragraphs for 4 months. 

Green tea, green juice, green face from this turbulence. All pretty relevant. Mostly wishing I wasn’t protesting sleeping on planes and my smart water would turn into a snow-cone margarita. Preferably green. My life has been so green lately is what I’m hinting at. I’ve honestly been on such a go that I don’t even know how to stop. I know eventually everything has to get better before it completely falls off a cliff and stops at a 100% red. Red is my least favorite color. But when this point happens, I’ll postmates some red wine and persevere. 

8/14/16

I’m very proud of how I’m currently surviving life right now. One year ago today, I made a promise to myself to look at life in a new way. I would even say to look at myself in a new way. If you personally know me or even if you don’t, I’m annoyingly often told the phrase by all of you people “You need to put yourself first” or worse “You need to have balance in your life.” When in actual reality, one year ago I put myself always as first. As a label. That was my problem. Being first is a feeling of being accepted and being the "best". Which is what I thought was the highest achievement in life so therefore satisfied. I had a wandering year of discovering how to be genuinely proud of who I am. I was a wandering mess that's for sure. If you really want the truth I existed in such a distorted reality I am to this day still shocked at how much life this world actually has. Now I take each day with an understanding that there will be green days and there will be red. But ultimately the red are just a reminder that you can be as happy as you'd like to be. 

Happiness in an AM list:

• Working hard
• Working out 
• Life working out how it's supposed to
• Being generous
• Being genuine
• Flowers (That I give to myself)
• Gluten
• Singing out loud in airports
• Not airports
• Long hikes to nowhere 
• Correct grammar
• Chelsea Handler
• Intelligent conversations
• Surprises
• Surprising people
• Coconut oil
• Watching my sister dance
• Being hydrated
• Roomies
• Green apples
• Quotes on quotes
• Christmas
• Learning
• Learning how to be yourself 

Extroverted Introvert 

11/2/16

This is my "I am a normal person" post. 

I love attention. But can't stand compliments. I crave challenge. In conversation, in my job, in a journey. Without it I become uninterested within seconds. Whenever I'm uninspired, I am tired. When I am tired, like most people, I am not content.

"I have the bad habit of reading the last page of a story first to see whether it's worth reading."

Guilty and not interested in changing. This is how I some what unfortunately treat most relationships. I am an all in, loyalty, and passion kind of girl. If you question if I'm all in, then you answered it because I'm not. I hold 90% of my life back to everyone I meet. Purposely. I think understanding your strengths and weaknesses in an accepting way is a tool to loving yourself. One characteristic I constantly struggle with is trusting others. It doesn't help that I am abnormally stubborn and never do anything anyone tells me to do ever. But I am open to trust. I think realizing your fears can help you move past them. So in conclusion I will still continue to fast forward to the end of all my romance Netflix movies and maybe someday I will trust the way I trust in fate. 

11/15/16 

Alexa is thankful. 

I'm thankful to have such an unpredictable lifestyle. I'm thankful for the people who challenge me and I need more of you in my life. I am thankful for my work ethic I have forced myself to deal with. I am thankful for teaching kids and kids teaching me. I am thankful for my family who has dealt with my bipolar personality for 23 years and counting. I am thankful for my best friends who keep me even when I'm bossy. I am thankful for my life that I will continue to improve through the greens and reds. 

Runnin runnin runnin away.

"Restart of something old"

I was going to start this blog post like I normally do by explaining my current overly irritable airport situation and complaining about how I need 6 extra shots in my Starbucks to pretend like I am interested when people are speaking to me. But since I think that pretty much covered it, I decided to take a different approach and let you in on a little life. 

*Disclaimer- This story is told in the past tense due to my well known talent of procrastination. 

Life. Life is life. It’s living for sure. Living so much that life is purely kicking my butt. So I’m running away. I’m laughing while writing this because I feel like I’m in throwback times to when I had a suspended license at 17 years old, for getting 3 speeding tickets in under 2 months, and therefore would sneak out to the nearby Taco Bell and considered this “running away.” But really, I spontaneously booked a flight and left in the morning. Did you know you can do that at 22 years old? But this time, so I’m not deported, I bought a return flight. (Customs 101 w AM) A devil voice in my head said “You need to go to a beach, turn off your wifi, and do some soul searching because life is about to get real.” The angel voice said “You need to work work work work work work and why would you ever do anything for yourself?” Funny how those roles seem like they should be reversed, but in this crazy Alexa Moffett comedy horror story that’s how life has blessed me. I don’t know what this adventure is going to bring me or if I’ll even make it past the border considering my fantastic travel luck. But I always go with my gut (pizza included) and for once in a very long time I am looking forward to something.

Rock bottom in bikini bottoms

This subtitle is so accurate of my current situation/emotions. Alexa has emotions? I didn’t think so either. I very rarely am effected by my feelings. I can shrug off most anything with this thick sunburnt skin I’ve taught myself to have. I have had extreme success and extreme failure. I’ve learned people will normally disappoint you but the right people who are meant to be in your life, will be. I have trusted in life that it’ll all work out. 

“There once was a girl known by everyone and no one.” -Taylor Swift

But this time feelings actually hit hard. The rain came pouring down when I was drowning and I couldn’t breathe, at all. It wasn’t a mental breakdown,  a specific event, or even an asshole boy. It was realizing I had given up and there's nothing worse than being disappointed in yourself. I constantly preach that there’s only one you and you should be your best you. I don’t believe in wrong decisions but for the first time in my life, I really feel like I’ve experienced willingly letting myself down and not even attempting to get back up. Or in complete honesty, being the person I said I would never be. So there’s my rock bottom. But the best part is I can remember the exact moment I snapped out of this fake persona, put on my new Tom Ford sunglasses, and remembered what really makes me, me. Surprisingly not the Tom Ford sunglasses. Also definitely not the green juice I’ve been forcing down for dayzzzz. I’m a fighter. Do I think I am that person yet? Absolutely not. But I do know that this wake up call has changed and inspired me to continue to persevere. 

*Soul Searching*

This is a legit thing. Google even says. Well good news is I've made it through the border, somehow to my driver, and to my hotel without deciding to turn around. Average news is I’m still searching… So google might have lied. All I’ve managed to find so far is why you don’t go on Tinder while on vacation because those boys are vicious and will hunt you down while you’re trying to blog and eat your breakfast. Also the only reason you would ever bring a boy on a vacation would be to apply your tanning oil so you don’t end up with a splotchy sunburn. I enjoyed this alone time. I learned I can function at 7am to work out, spending $500 you don’t have at the gift shop is a thing, and 24 hour unlimited room service shouldn’t be a thing. 

But I know it’s coming. Until then I’ll just keep applying more tanning oil and procrastinating my emails. 

Alexa returns to Arizona (She lives there?)

Shouldn’t have honestly. Obviously this short lived "vacation" managed to still keep my great positive personality. Well guys now this no longer sunburnt, forever soul searching, rarely tamed dance teacher has some real life to get to. The shocking blow your mind kind of life. So watch out dance world and regular world because 

"Good girls don't make history."

Perfect is so 2015.

Hello, it's me.

Finally, though.

I've had the hardest time writing this post because 2015 has really changed me. Like, to the point that I could honestly change my name to Blair, move to New York, pursuing my dream of becoming a chef, with only my favorite purse to start over. (I can't even cook toast nor choose between my handbags.) I would put it under the class of the best and worst year of my not so predictable life. In 2015, I learned more about myself than I even wanted to learn. I figured out how to live and learn and love and lose. Mainly, I learned. Everything in life, good or bad, you learn. My advice for 2016 is to try just that. When you step out of your comfort zone, you find yourself, and that should be your most important priority in your life. 

Broken hearts and broken backs. 

The hardest thing for me to talk about is feelings. For real though! I'm embarrassed and insecure about it! My wardrobes black, my soul is black. I am not the person that searches for approval from anyone. Unless I'm shopping and look fat in my new dress. I really am too independent for my own good. But uncontrollably with change comes emotion. I believe you are the only one in charge of your emotions. 

"You're as happy as you want to be." 

In 2015 I experienced my first heart-break. I don't like expressing to people what I think or how I feel. Which is surprising with my Leo personality. But that distinct emotion of having your heart-broken is possibly one of the worst things that can happen to you in life. 

It's something you can never forget. 

I think this is because love is such a devoted up and down roller coaster that when it's over you feel empty. A different kind of empty. I'm more of the wine and get over it kinda girl than the chocolate and crying pity party. I don't dwell on the past but I do know that feeling was a big bridge to cross in my life and I am proud to have crossed my biggest fear. I hope that someday, if you haven't already, you get your heart-broken. You will become a better you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

But we were in screaming color. 

I don't cry. (Ever) I dance. Actually I choreograph. I choreograph my life. Haha I honestly wish though. I dislike being around people who will just give me what I want. Who always tell me I am great. Or constantly agreeing with my opinions. Because obviously like the title of this ridiculously dramatic blog post, perfect is so 2015. Anyone can fake perfection. But where's the life in that? I crave social interaction with people who are going to critique me. Example why it's impossible for me to date. (Insert GIF of Alexa and her 9 cats here.) 

2015 *Gold Star* Moments

• 1989 TOUR
• Taylor Swift in general
• Breaking the internet (LOL @ tumblr)
• Monterrey, Mexico
• ABCD Squad
• Bachelor Mondaze
• Halo
• Australia
• Chanel (The purse and the dog)
• Hairtied
• Skydiving 
• Barbie Girl
• Red Wine
• "I'm just here to teach my student."
• ML & AKL
• Intensive Part 2/OC
• Jane Buckingham <3 (My role model and inspiration!) 
• Working on a better me

"Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it."

I’m often asked the question “Alexa, what did you have to give up?” The answer? What haven’t I. I've worked my ass off for my talent. My passion did it for me. What I’ve concluded about my personal uncertainties in my life, is that life is too short. Even with my head stuck in the clouds, I live my life hour by hour. Happy hour included. If someone makes a mistake, don’t hold a grudge. If someone hurts you, give them a second chance. If someone loves you, run with it and love them back. Without taking chances and experiencing change, for better or worse, you will never know what could’ve been. Realistically everyone just wants to be excepted and feel worthy. Recently I’ve committed to bettering myself and genuinely being happy. If that means taking the less traveled road, that’s what I’ll do. I want to look back on this comedy horror lifestyle and have no regrets. I want to know that I did it all. My wildest dreams. That I was me and the best me. So at the same time as discussing what I’ve given up, I’ve gained so much more from doing just that. I’ve learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Which is the best success. 

Don't lower your standards, instead, wait for people to rise up to your expectations.

"Alexa"rella

A new me.

Yes. You heard correctly. The new and improved existence of a slightly lost, slightly more single, 22 year old dance teacher or something like that. Although "I am not a dance teacher" is my title to this comedy horror story, I believe I truly am stuck with this lifestyle. But recently I've been all about taking chances. Doing things I would never even consider in my first, second, fortunately never ending dance teacher life. Just like Little Mix says "these wings are made to fly."

5 steps of how to change your life from flab to fab. 

Yes flab like my stomach from canceling my gym membership.

1. We all need somebody to lean on.

No matter how independent and freaking awesome you are, it's not quite as awesome without people who genuinely care about you. Find them and make them your priority. Your family and friends are your Taylor to your Swift. Without them in my opinion you are just a Kim without your Kayne. They love you more than your recent obsession with your hover board. So share the love. I can say from experience this is something I am working on. Trusting someone is one of my biggest fears and set backs. But I can also tell you that when you finally decide to let them in, great things will happen. Actually the absolute best. Finding your backbone.

SHOUTOUT to all my best friends. I really am so lucky. Especially to my stepbrother, Alex Casola. "You'll always be my best friend because you know too much."

2. You got me workin' workin' day and night.

You know the quote "Do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life." That is great and all, I mean 100 percent true as well. But in the meantime of stressing about bills and balancing spending money, take a second to evaluate what you're doing. I am one of the most committed people you will ever meet. If I want something, I will get it. But at the same time I've drained myself from obsessing over the un-controlables. Unfortunately life is too short for that. Find the balance of hard work and actual fun and you'll never have to work a day in your life.

3. Long hair don't care.

If you love your look, you love yourself. Take time to work on your appearance. I can't tell you a single person I have met in my life that hasn't felt a little more confident when they lose a few pounds or take a chance on a new cut and color. Start simple like wearing and rocking something you wouldn't normally wear. You never know until you try. If you love it, do it.

4. D8 the great.

This is the hardest topic for me. DATING... dun, dun, dun. Apart of your transformation to fab is having fab arm candy. Maybe it's a new Chanel? Haha that's my answer to everything. But for reals if you never try to date, you never will. This has been me for hmmm my entire life! Miss independent is my middle name. Even if your new coffee date turns out to be decaf in the worst scenario you still most likely got some great free coffee. Luckily for me this didn't happen. Or if you are still in the fries before guys stage, substitute the fries for a new handbag. Maybe both. 

5. A little more you.

I little less worry and a lotta more you! You need to be your number one fan. This can be especially difficult because you are your biggest critic. I rate everything in my life on a scale of 1 to 10. Importance of this is a 10 and you need to be an 11. 

Following these guidelines should help clear your mind and hopefully your path. I mean I can't promise anything because I'm just a small town girl living in her lonely world. But I do know trying new things will make a difference. Be the best you. You deserve it. 

When Walmart Calls.

Literally.

This is a TBT because blogging is hard work people. 

Today I was awoken before my alarm to 2 full blast calls from an unknown number. Which I never answer understandably. Finally they left a voicemail and it was Walmart, offering me an interview from my application. I’m glad the world is looking out for me. I mean Walmart has always been on my top places to apply. I was considering Target but now that I know Walmart wants me I’ll have to go with my gut. But hey thank you for whoever sent in that application. Helping out my financial situation and really just making my day.  

I have been recently blessed with some great times to laugh at myself. Like when you think someone is talking to you in the dressing room and you politely reply but really it was to the other Alexa next door. Or when you run out of gas on the side of the road. If you're wondering what happens your car just stops. Or when you start a new green tea cleanse but you really need Ben & Jerry's to finish your blog post. So you'll have to restart tomorrow. These moments were all definitely a 10.

Life is too short and so is my patience. 

Once I was told my expectations were unreachable. Words can hurt especially when they're said by someone you really care about. I let it bother me and believed them. I thought of the phrase for multiple weeks, everyday actually, and it crushed me. I felt out of control of my own life. I was ready to quit everything and had no desire to work hard anymore. I'm actually getting teary eyed while writing this. Haha more laughing at myself! I believe through hard times everything happens for a reason. But to discover the reason is your destiny. So that's exactly what I did. When you experience change in your life you either A. Shut down or B. Move on. I'm not someone to dwell on the past so option B was my obvious choice. 

9/3/15 

was the most important day of my entire life. Like if I ever have a wedding (the odds are against this) it will be on September 3rd. Bachelors take note. The day I completely changed me. Actually I became a better me. I was changed from change. I can't believe I let someone else's opinion almost destroy me and give up on myself. Thank you for showing me what I deserve and I am so grateful for this period in my life. The biggest blessing. Never let someone tell you that you can't do something. That shows their limitations, not yours.  

"It's all messy: The hair. The bed. The words. The heart. THE EMAILS. Life..."

Once upon a time there was a 22 year old dance teacher. Sometimes she taught dance but mostly she dreamt of what dance had taught her. Occasionally she would roam the mall and spend her rent money on overly priced heels. Even though kind of like her life, she would be bored with them by the next day. People would watch her every move and wonder what exactly she was thinking, but no one really knew. Loved by most, hated by many, and truly known by few. This was her life and she liked it exactly the way it was. Unknown. 

And that's my story. Just kidding it didn't end that smoothly. But truly it is just beginning. This blog specifically has taken me five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes to finish. Actually about 5 airplanes and countless restless blogging nights. I’ve been inspired and erased everything. My jumbled thoughts and none fully portraying of what I felt and visioned in my head. The words on the tip of my tongue but word vomit when I tried to share with you all. I just wanted this blog to be perfect...

But I think my life is anything but perfect and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Alexa Moffett, airports, and airplanes.

Blog, blog, blog.

Like blah, blah, blah. Cha cha cha. Mostly because that's how I feel when I'm writing all of my thoughts into this dumb blog. Then I want to cha cha walk with my new ballroom friends. But duty calls so I'm going to stick with the blah. 

#alexascurrentthoughts

-American's need to get it together at the airport. Guys you know the drill. Just remove your shoes, laptops out, and really get the water bottles out of our purse. But can we take a second to not appreciate the TSA security screaming in my ear at 8:00am. I'm aware liquids out. 

-Why doesn't Chipotle cater to US Airways flights to NC?

-I've currently listened to the same song 61 times in a row and I'm not changing it.

-Boys suck.

-I miss my students.

-But I might miss my bed equally as much.

-When people try and have conversation about my job and ask "What type of dancing do you teach?" and instead of needing advil from explaining you just reply "Everything." But the next question is always "Oh, so you teach hip hop and ballet?" #goodbye

I've broken my heart so many times I've stopped keeping track.

What exactly is a broken heart? I don't think such thing can be explained. My favorite part of a broken heart is what lesson was taught from the feeling of being broken. For me as an artist, having your heart broken whether it be from someone or a situation is crucial to creativity. I like things that are real. I don't like to talk about my feelings. So instead I create. I look for music that can explain my story. That is something that can never be taken away from me. If I could give advice to anyone who wants to live in a similar comedy horror story to mine, it would be to find something that makes you happy and never let it go. Find your purpose and don't stop ever. Your expectation's for yourself should be the biggest thing in your life. I've always had one dream. To be the best. To be my absolute best. If you want to be the best you should never settle. "Winners never quit and quitter's never win."

"You attract the energy you exude."

"You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love."

"What do you want to do with your life?"

 My least favorite question yet I would say the most common one I'm asked. My answer is always "Everyone asks me this." Haha so I think that definitely sums up my answer. I want to do something that matters. My best friend explains it as not wanting empty work. Something that fills me up. How am I supposed to make a decision for the rest of my life at 22 and 2 days old. I prefer to live in the moment and see where life travels me to. Hopefully it's not around New Zealand searching for Addison's lost passport.

I think you can do anything you set your mind to. When I was that little 10 year old girl in her one and only purple velvet leotard learning ballet off the video my mom bought me from the local library, I never thought I would be where I am today. If someone tells you you can't, they don't deserve your attention. Prove them wrong. Persevere.

It's all good in the hood.

I want to take a second to say how grateful I am to have you all in my life. Maybe you're a sister to me or maybe we've never met. But that doesn't matter to me. I appreciate you for being you. In my classes I continue to preach how the best part is that no one else is you. You are absolutely the best you because you're the only you. Make the most of your life because you should be your number 1 priority. Trust yourself and always go with your gut.

I have the best friends and family a girl could ever ask for. That's what makes me, me.

"I'm starting to attract the exact type of people I want around me: creative minds with amazing commitment to their dreams."

When your 21 year old blog becomes your 22 year old blog.

How to make the dance teacher change to 22.

You don't. You just stay 21. You pack up all of your semi important belongings. Chanel, Addy, Molly, and tweezers. Buy the first one way ticket to Australia and never come back. My visa expires in about 343 days... So...

So basically my plan's a work in progress, but I think it's a winner. I'm of course 91 percent joking. But I'm 100 percent positive I could listen to Michael Bublé for the rest of my 21 year old immortal life and be perfectly content. Honestly I'm looking forward to my 22 year old times though. What could possibly go more wrong than my other 21 years? I'll most likely still be overly forgetful, still sleep deprived, still single. I know myself too well. But hey, I'm always up for a change. So if you want to share some memorization skills, have illegal insomnia drugs, and/or like me for some reason. Text me and I will reply, quickly even. (That's not a guarantee.)

Back to reality. I plot twist was actually in Australia. In a nice little hotel called "Break Free," so naturally we all sang the song as we arrived like Vanessa and Zac would have wanted. Besides the 6 days of sickness, Chanel being filled with prescriptions instead of real people things, oh and my blessed sister forgetting her passport on the opposite island in New Zealand, this was the best trip I've been on in awhile. I am so humbled by all of the incredible people I have met while I've been on this journey. Each one bringing something new and different to my story. It is one of the most rewarding feelings to know that ever since I decided to commit my entire heart and life to being a dance teacher, I have inspired others to commit the same. To never give up. To find it in themselves and create the same drive and passion that I preach in my classes daily. Even from the other side of the world. In the same way they look up to me, I look up to all of them. I appreciate you all more than you will ever know. I remember once being the little girl who couldn't find her voice. I didn't believe in myself. I had dreams of course, doesn't everyone? But I never actually thought I had it in myself to fight to achieve them and find the voice and story in the little girl. 

Alexa Moffetts gets semi older.  

When I was in middle school, around the age of 12, I was a social butterfly. I was always considered as I guess a "popular" girl. I spent my free time updating my latest AIM profile with tHe CuTeSt FoNtS, popping my collars of new polos from Abercrombie, and going to the local Friday night football games hoping to kiss my latest crush. Life was what any 12 year old girl would imagine to be perfect. But just like any high it must come down. I have always been the girl to take the blame, I'm guessing since I was never afraid to stand up for my opinion. Darn Leo's right? I went from the life of the party to begging my dad to pick me up for lunch. I was being bullied. I'm not saying this for sympathy but because it changed my life. Of course there were the typical girl things like the 3 way calls saying hurtful things to you then hanging up. The writing names and notes on the lockers. But it went far beyond that. This is absolutely when dance saved me. It became my sanctuary. Where I wanted to breathe and live every second of my life. I began to study it. I'm laughing as I'm writing this but I was a super fan/stalker of dance. I'm sure I've watched every single one of your YouTube videos from 2006 on. I re-centered my priorities of having the cutest locker at school to how long I could stay up past my bedtime creating the latest choreography in my formal dining room that I would later bribe Addison to learn. Which she never did just for the record. I found out that same year that I was going to be moving to Arizona. As I was relieved to have an excuse to escape my problems, at the same exact time I was heartbroken to leave my studio and all of my "new life." 

Moving states is a big change for a native 12 year old especially at some of your most insecure years. I know that many of you that have had the big move can relate. A new school, new friends, new dance studio, new home, that all seems like the end of the world for stubborn Alexa. It definitely was in my head. 

It goes on.

This is where I hit my lowest low. The happy part is coming guys I promise! I became shy and unsure of anything and everything. I didn't trust anyone. I sat at lunch my first day of 8th grade all by myself in the bathroom stall. Like you hear in the movies, yes. I met friends eventually but none that I felt I clicked with like my old life. Dance was a completely different lifestyle than what I was used to in Minnesota. I would stare at the blank walls in my room thinking about how maybe my old life wasn't so bad. Finally life started to come together. But I still had my new found sense of no confidence. I was enjoying learning new types of ways to move my body in dance. Guys I'm telling you even a hip roll was foreign to me. After the struggle of catching onto the vibe and the intimidation I started to feel comfortable in my new home. I was still as observant and obsessed with dance as ever though don't forget that. Since I was always at dance early for Addison I started to watch and study her classes. Fast forward a few years... This eventually presented me with the opportunity to assist. Which led to a young overly shy 6 year old, who I could relate to, finding the courage in me to choreograph her first solo. This was the day my life was changed. This was the day I found my voice. It wasn't your typical high school teen's dream but it was my escape. I learned that putting confidence into children gave me back my spark. *To be continued... 

I'm now grateful for the experience I had as a bratty self centered 12 year old. I learned first hand how bullying hurts. But it made me stronger and taught me that another person can't decide how you feel, only you can. 

"You're as happy as you want to be."

Be careful what you wish for. 

A wise 21 year old dance teacher once said. 

You may or may not know what you're getting yourself into. For the most part I enjoy not knowing. It makes life more real to me. Since I practically threw away my entire sense of sanity for following my dreams, realism has always been a major focus in my life. I'm glad I don't have everything I could ever want. Can you imagine how uneventful life would be? It takes a lot to get a reaction from me. People say my poker face is 100 percent. I am very reserved in my thoughts and feelings. Which can be the best and worst part of myself. In this life you have to learn to think fast, smart, and be willing. Which has taught me some things just aren't worth it. But has also taught me how much some things are worth it. That's the best part about dreams.

#currentthoughts 

Giving up. I've never been someone to use that term. But I'm not going to lie through personal hard times recently I have considered this. I believe everything happens for a reason and when I came across this quote it knocked some sense back into me. 

"I thought about quitting, but then I noticed who was watching." 

So simple yet so meaningful to me in this time of disbelief. I don't blog for followers or people to give me compliments of my writing. I even get embarrassed to show people my vulnerable side. I write because I am real and want people to see who am I. That everyone makes mistakes and sometimes you doubt yourself. I feel like sometimes we hide behind the media to show people what we want them to think of us. I absolutely have. I do have the biggest heart and often am misread because I am known to put on a great act. Not purposely of course. But under all of the posts, rumors, memories, pictures, we are all just normal people. With that being said I think I'm ready for 22. I know that my journey is still being written and 

"It'll all work out."