Part 1 of finding my zen. Or I think.
It took about an extra nine pounds and excessively visiting my local Coffee Bean (which I am recently a proud regular) to recognize what in the hell "zen" even looked, felt, tasted like, who knew. But I discovered it. I think.
Regardless, what I do think I found is remembering how to commit again. To my ideas, my fears, my heart, my thoughts, my wildest dreams, and to most importantly myself. Which is the path I have always tried to navigate to. I think for about the last 6 months, I was steering myself towards too many paths and maybe forgetting which one made me feel enlightened. Now like you all predicted I would say, I am not there yet and won't ever be. But the improvement is something I am going to brag about, as you all should as well.
Approaching 2017 I didn't think I was ready. 2016 was full of many firsts, a bit of forgiving, and a whole lot of fun. But I'm here and as of about an hour ago, I am back on my forever path.
"She's at peace and yet somehow on fire."
2016 stole my name.
Thanks to Amazon and even more so outdated fads, I am now not only commanded to do ridiculous things by dance moms, but every indolent person in the world that can’t move 3 feet to turn off a light switch. To increase this situation, I’m constantly reminded thanks to my first world problem snap chatters, that I need to change my name and finally fall off the earth. See what 23 and a half years of a comedy/horror lifestyle/career can do to you?
This Alexa can’t be commanded to do anything, by anyone, ever.
Can’t be tamed.
Won’t, not interested, and honestly impossible.
I think an accurate description of myself would be “misunderstood miss independent.” No matter the act I put on to my fellow social media friends, I actually have to try to keep this ego alive. Somedays I want to depend on someone. Which genuinely would relieve my severe anxiety and potentially become a life changing event for this unique fairytale. But everyday I crave someone to tell me I am completely crazy and ridiculously confusing. I think that if you aren’t then are you actually alive? Mostly I just want to be miss. Miss Alexa, maybe missed, but definitely never ever a Mrs. I am tragically cursed with bad vibes about associating myself with a forever title, so forever I will stay Alexa Moffett. Even if Chuck Bass offered me a world of diamonds, I would remain just me. Because I will buy myself my own diamonds. Which brings me to my next life expectation.
“Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
My life quote.
Guys, it is even the headline of my Tinder profile. Which I wonder why I still continue to check when I am nowhere near committed to having a friend boy. That starts and results in a terribly awful coffee date. Most likely at a coffee shop that I hate, where we small talk to the point of me realistically making up lies so he wants to leave and forget my name. Not like this has ever happened. But back to the real fact of this rant. My quote has been very hard for me to explain to any curious peer that questions my sanity. It has always reminded me that I will have success no matter which path I stumble upon. Success is something I deeply admire. So no matter the obstacles, my choices will decide my success as I learn and always risk at a chance at becoming "successful."
What is success? I think this feeling is my most real feeling. It’s very hard for me to relate to content people. My heart definitely can appreciate an accomplishment where I feel uplifted but my brain is constantly reminding me that life is too short to stop. To stop growing. Which sounds so lame, especially as I’m writing this trying to inspire you all to continue to persevere. But that’s exactly the truth. Life won’t stop, there is actually not a real pause button. There is a snooze. But the more you snooze the more you don’t necessarily lose, but you don’t gain anything besides the feeling of content. Which I will forever commit to committing content is a waste.
In the meantime, I will try to keep this zen. I'm sure by morning I will complain about my 8:00am workout, lack of willpower to not bake/eat 4 trays of vegan cookies, and certainly about the amount of emails I have procrastinated for potentially years. But that doesn't matter because I won't be snoozing any longer.
